It feels like it’s been a month or more since I last posted, it’s only been two weeks.
In those two weeks, I reached a very low point and spectacularly fell apart for the briefest of times. Also in those two weeks, I’ve had moments of sheer joy and amusement. Plus I’ve been unwell, reconnected with an old familiar TV show, aggravated an old injury causing a lot of pain, and eaten a reasonable amount of ice cream.
My world has shrunk, but only a little. Right now, my daily real-life interactions involve 3 or 4 other people depending on the day and the weather (if it’s raining heavily, I don’t go out for my walk to have a chat with my friend). All human beings I may encounter while out in the mornings remain at the required social distance. Most are people I pass as I walk, some of these have become nodding acquaintances, and one is always a cheery “good morning”.
Pre-lockdown my world was mostly only marginally bigger due to going to work and seeing one or two colleagues every day. There would be regulars at the station, at work, in the places I went for breakfast or lunch. But largely that was it. Now don’t get me wrong, I have a network of amazing friends but they are spread out everywhere but I may not see even the closest ones geographically for a few weeks or months at a time. Some people I only see in real life once a year, some less often than that. It’s only as plans get cancelled that I miss these interactions, the rest of the time not much in the real world has changed.
The lockdown is meant to be easing from today and we can do more things allegedly. I still haven’t been into a shop due to anxiety. Pubs and hairdressers aren’t my thing. I am full-on scared about going back to work due to having to use public transport, which more people are returning to as lockdown eases. So I will continue in my comfortable little rut for a while longer yet. My morning exercise and socially distanced socialising set up most days on a positive note, I have work things I can help with from home for a while to occupy my afternoons, and films and TV programmes to binge on in the evenings. Plus there’s jewellery to make and list on Etsy, magazines and books aplenty to read and even the occasional rare moments of peace in which to meditate.
Stress and anxiety will still happen, but I need to not allow it to make me fall apart again, putting myself back together is not always easy and I’m never too sure if I’ve gathered all the pieces properly.